Our BreastFeeding Journey and why I wish it had ended sooner

Lincoln Tyler threw us a curve ball from the moment he came into the world. 

Ending up in the NICU because he came out so fast he wasn’t breathing on his own. 

I didn’t get that “golden hour”. Which 1000 percent broke my heart. 

I tossed and turned and cried while I laid alone in L&D while my husband and newborn went to the NICU. 

Have I mentioned - EFF C0VID. I was alone in L&D. 

Did I mention they don’t allow phone calls?!? 

So Dylan was trying to text me. He put them off as long as possible so I could breastfeed my baby first, but we opted for donated milk over formula if he needed to feed before I got there. I practically ran there when I was allowed to go. 

He nursed for a few minutes and then we gave him donor milk so his blood sugar could stay up. 

He wasn’t eating often. 

The moment I almost gave up I wish I had looking back. 

They wanting me feeding him every 3 hrs because baby’s with a log APGAR score struggled to keep their blood sugar up. I tried. I tried so hard. I was tired and he just wanted to sleep. 

It had been three hours since he’d eaten…but it had taken me and 2 nurses 3 more hours to get him to eat a total of 10 minutes over those 3 hours. I was defeated. We tried ALL the tricks in the book. Undress baby, use a wipe, change his diaper and on and on and on. That was the last time he slept that much for the next 5 months. 

My night nurse was AMAZING. She valued my mental and physical health over breastfeeding and I wish she had been able to come home with me. She would have talked me into formula sooner. The photo you saw at the beginning of this post was me waiting for the nurses to come help me wake him up enough to feed him. I was so tired. 

She held my baby, fed & burped him and put him back to sleep so I could rest. 

I pumped and would get some colostrum. We ended up using an SNS and a nipple shield to get him to eat and latch even if it was just for a minute. Which is typically all he would do. 

The lactation consultant and doctor found a lip tie and we’re going to send us to a specialist after we left. I wish they had just revised both his lip and tongue tie before we had left. 

Using a nipple shield felt difficult enough.

I thought “BF shouldn’t be this hard!!! What the heck am I doing wrong?” My first was a champ nurser. Start to finish, including burps in 10 minutes flat. She always took a bottle and she let you know when she was hungry. I did stop BF at 4 1/2 months due to me going back to school. She slept 12 hrs at 12 weeks and never looked back. 

So I thought it was me. My first was a breeze - I told my self that it had to have been me because I was the common denominator. I was the problem. 

We went home from the hospital and I still struggled to feed Linc. He didn’t wake to eat and when he did it took an hour or longer. It was exhausting. By the time he was done eating it was time for him to go back to sleep and I wasn’t sleeping when he was. I’m was exhausted. 

My supply stayed low. I dreaded nursing him but I wanted to limit formula because we were told nursing more would help strengthen his latch overtime. 

Everyone around me and most people I knew breastfed their babies so I thought that’s what I should do too. If they’re doing it, I should be able to too, right? No. 

Eventually we tried to supplement. But that honestly didn’t help much. Even at a month old Linc was only sleeping at 20 minutes at a time during the day and 45 minutes at a time at night for 6 or 7 hrs at a time. He would randomly sleep 3 hrs the first stretch of the night. We tried cosleeping, putting him in the crib next to the bed. It didn’t matter. We tried putting him in the other room. By the time I fell asleep he was awake and wanting to eat. 

Nothing worked. 

He was so uncomfortable. Looking back I know it was breast milk all along. More on that in a bit. 

Linc stayed TINY. He lived in NB onsies and size 1 diapers longer then I thought possible. He wasn’t gaining weight and CRIED ALL THE TIME. I was told it was colic. There weren’t any typical dairy allergy symptoms. 

Our doctors only suggestion was to try to swap a paci for the boob in the evenings to try and wean him. 

I cried at least 1x a day. Usually more. I remember telling myself that a newborn shouldn’t be this hard. He shouldn’t cry this much. But no one had answers or helpful suggestions. Or at least they didn’t come off helpful to me. 

Formula was shoved down my throat by others which made me not want to use it. We did. But sparingly. We tried so many kinds hoping something help him sleep. 

It did for a week or so. But then it didn’t. 

We had a very discouraging visit with an ENT and SLP at 3 weeks old. They told us a revision wasn’t necessary and missed the tongue tie completely. 

I was an exhausted mom of a baby who wasn’t gaining much weight, wasn’t sleeping and didn’t even have the mental capacity to advocate for myself. I remember leaving those appointments, loading up in the car and bawling my eyes out. 

I was still going to these appointments alone - again… EFF C0VID. 

There was no one to help me load and unload or walk in with me. I felt not in control. 

Also - Linc HATED the car seat. So he was crying too. 

We finally saw a specialist a town over and we decided to have his lip and tongue tie revised. A dentist performed the procedure at 3 months old. We thought that would solve this breast feeding issue. It instantly made BF easier and shorter. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. 

Siiiiiike. 

It didn’t solve all the issues. 

He stayed small, continued to cry and cry and cry. And not sleep. 

I remember going to Costco one day. It took me 3 hrs to shop. Then another 45 minutes to load up the car because I was tired. Weak from exhaustion and my body was breaking down. 

I tried going diary free. Which is FREAKING hard. Did you know there is dairy in Ramen? Yeppp. And salami. You have to read every darn label. 

2 more long months of 30 min feedings. No sleep. Lots of crying from both of us. Linc didn’t want anyone but me and that was hard too. I didn’t get a break. He wouldn’t take a bottle of breast milk or formula after we had his ties revised. 

5 months total of BF. 

My friend and my mom came up with a plan. 

My mom kept Linc over night son a Friday and tried to get him to take bottles while we slept 2 minutes up the road at a friends house. 

I wasn’t sleeping by this point. I probably should’ve been hospitalized for exhaustion. I didn’t trust myself with the kids. My body wasn’t producing much milk. I was depressed and angry and fatigued. 

Finally Linc took a bottle and we cut cold Turkey. I nursed him one last time that Sunday and the boob went away after that. I never looked back. 

We struggled to find a formula that worked. It took about another month to find that Similac Alimentium Ready to feed was the only thing that worked for him. 10$ a pop. He was going through a bottle a day. Which adds up. 

It has been worth my sanity. I am tired, because he is still waking up 1x a night - but I’ll take that any day. 

We’ve found Linc has a dairy allergy. Cheese and yogurt are a no go. 

We’ve switched him over to oat milk for now, hoping he’ll grow out of it. 

A friend made him a dairy free cake with icing for his first birthday. I had a slice and it was SO yummy. 

Breast feeding with my first was a BREEZE. 

She latched on in that golden hour and never stopped. 

These photos of me breastfeeding Linc keep popping up in my memories. I look completely defeated. I tried so freaking hard to feed that little baby. I know I did my best with what I had at the time. It wasn’t me who failed. It wasn’t Linc who failed. It was that he needed a special formula and there was nothing I could have changed to make it work for us longer. 

I wish I had stopped breastfeeding sooner. It would have saved me many many many sleepless nights and the state of hopelessness. 

I wish people hadn’t shoved formula down my throat and the breastfeeding wasn’t good for him either.  

I wish I had been educated about formula and the different types. 

My gut knew something was wrong that entire time. But I did not have the energy to fight for it or the brain power to pick apart what was wrong and try to find a solution.