We're Gonna Make It

Lincoln Tyler threw us a curve ball from the moment he came into the world.   Ending up in the NICU because he came out so fast he wasn’t breathing on his own.  I didn’t get that “golden hour”. Which 1000 percent broke my heart.  I tossed and turned and cried while I laid alone in L&D while my husband and newborn went to the NICU.  Have I mentioned - EFF C0VID. I was alone in L&D.  Did I mention they don’t allow phone calls?!?  So Dylan was trying to text me. He put them off as long as possible so I could breastfeed my baby first, but we opted for donated milk over formula if he needed to feed before I got there. I practically ran there when I was allowed to go.  He nursed for a few minutes and then we gave him donor milk so his blood sugar could stay up.  He wasn’t eating often.  The moment I almost gave up I wish I had looking back.  They wanting me feeding him every 3 hrs because baby’s with a log APGAR score struggled to keep...

  This photo popped up on my IG feed and triggered a core memory. One I wish I didn’t have to relive when my eyes close.  Something I would never wish on my worst enemy.  Let me set the stage for you. 3 weeks into quarantine and RONA 2020. No one was allowed to come with me to my appointments or ultrasounds. I walked into a empty lobby - maskless and alone.  No one uttered those words to me. But I knew what a 12 week old baby in the womb looked like.  And my baby didn’t look like they should.  The tech cut the ultrasound short and told me “I’m going to send the results over to the doctor and they’ll be here in a minute.”  For a minute I was in purse disbelief. I was shaken. On FaceTime with my husband. Him asking “is everything ok?” “What’s going one?” On repeat.  I was holding my breath. For a moment I had all the hope that my baby wasn’t gone. But in my head I knew.  The tech said she would go get the doctor while I cleaned up.   The n...

  Since 35 weeks we have been waiting this little man’s arrival. A few times a week I would question if I needed to go to triage. My contractions would take my breath away and were happening every 5 minutes. As soon as I would get up and walk around they would stop.  I measured 2cm and 75% effaced at 36 weeks so we expected baby to come sooner then later. I had an induction massage at 37 & 5. I walked curbs, sat on a yoga ball, drank raspberry tea, ate dates, I tried all the things. I was exhausted and hurting. I was taking multiple naps a day while trying to hold my food down and stay hydrated.  On Friday the 2nd, I went to the chiropractor. I saw him through this pregnancy, my miscarriage last year and this pregnancy. I went home and sat on a yoga ball for hours. Saturday morning, I woke up at 9:30 and was having contractions 6-8 minutes apart. I ate a Costco muffin and drank some water. I stayed in bed for a while and called my mom to go on a walk. I packed my purs...

Ever hear the term blended family? Me either until last year.  Chloe is my daughter who I had from a previous relationship. I had my eyes set on marrying that male because that was the ‘right’ thing to do. I was determined to beat the odds of teenage pregnancy. I wanted to be the couple that made I through that and ended up long time lovers.  My daughter has her dad’s last name because at the time I thought, why not? That way we’ll all have the same last name one day.  I am one of the most determined people you will meet. If I want something I am going to give 110% to get it. I was determined to make that relationship work.  Well.... it wasn’t meant to be. God had other plans for my life.  That relationship ended and I was content at 18 being single and living with my mom. I was okay with it just being me and Chloe and not finding a partner in life. I was sincerely happy - but stressed. I was a strict mama who poured her blood sweat and tears to...

When you’re pregnant your mind is full of worries. Will you carry full term? Will your baby have eyes that match yours or will they have their dads?  I have blocked out most of my first pregnancy because it was traumatic in so many ways. Besides the shame of walking into the store and others looking down on you, there were other stressors.  I struggled daily with anxiety and depression. I had for years, but this was something different. Now my anxiety and depression would affect someone else too.  The day I found out I was pregnant I cried and cried. I didn’t know what to think and chose to avoid the idea for a few more weeks. I was lucky - minimal morning sickness and no belly. I kept the secret hidden from my mom ( or so I thought...she secretly suspected - HA!), my friends and cheer coach who is probably reading this right now.  But the moment I told my mom it all became real. I started to worry - first about typical things. What if I have a miscarriag...

 I just need to get to 8 weeks. That’s what I told myself when I found out I was pregnant this time around. I sat on the floor a sobbed. Out of fear and worry, but also out of gratefulness. I took a cheap pregnancy test every single day for months. Once I get to eight weeks I will feel better is what I told my self..  10 weeks rolls around and my doctor’s appointment comes. My doctor and I worried because we couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler. I waited there for 2 hours while we talked, searched for the heartbeat and finally used the portable ultrasound machine. The room was tense. We both felt it. On the ultrasound we could see my baby was doing barrel rolls in there. He wouldn't sit still long enough to grab a heart beat or measurement, but we could see his heart flickering.  Then 12 weeks rolls around. Our 12 week ultrasound was when we learned our baby had no heartbeat. We just have to make it through this ultrasound, then I’ll feel better. Our 12 week ultraso...