Raising an adult when you’re a child

When you’re pregnant your mind is full of worries. Will you carry full term? Will your baby have eyes that match yours or will they have their dads? 

I have blocked out most of my first pregnancy because it was traumatic in so many ways. Besides the shame of walking into the store and others looking down on you, there were other stressors. 

I struggled daily with anxiety and depression. I had for years, but this was something different. Now my anxiety and depression would affect someone else too. 

The day I found out I was pregnant I cried and cried. I didn’t know what to think and chose to avoid the idea for a few more weeks. I was lucky - minimal morning sickness and no belly. I kept the secret hidden from my mom ( or so I thought...she secretly suspected - HA!), my friends and cheer coach who is probably reading this right now. 

But the moment I told my mom it all became real. I started to worry - first about typical things. What if I have a miscarriage? What if somethings doesn’t line up with her development? 

Then my brain switched. This was real. I was going to be raising a person. From that moment on my day was an 11/10 on the worry scale. 

How would I feed her? What if I couldn’t breast feed? What if I don’t have the money to feed her? What if I can’t buy diapers? I’m only a kid...how can I raise a kid?! 

Was I making the right decision? Should I find adoptive parents? That idea was forced on me more then once after I said no. 

Was I going to finish high school? Should I get my GED? 

It all haunted me. 

I needed a plan because this was no longer about me. My future plans included graduating high school and college and getting a good job. 

What I didn’t realize in the moment was that I was going to be raising a tiny human who would grow up to change the world of so many - even at a young age. 

When you’re 16 you’re so focused on finishing school, if your baby is fed and what cute outfit they’re wearing next. 

There are so many things I did as a young mom as a default, because I didn’t know how I wanted to bring up a tiny human who would one day turn into an adult. Somethings I wish I could go back and do differently. I’d handle spills differently, try not to raise my voice or include her more. But those are in the past. I can’t change that. 

I am so thankful to meet my mom friends who remind me that I am raising a tiny adult. Temporary happiness wouldn’t compare to the dysfunctional adult I would be contributing too. 

One thing I can be confident in saying is that Chloe is a smart, empathetic and loving 7 year old. I may not have had any clue what I was doing - but God did. He has given this girl an incredible personality and a strong will. 

We got here how we did, and there’s no changing that. Looking back doesn’t change that. Looking forward does. 

Let’s be honest - we all need therapy. All of our children will need therapy. We’ve all done something to mess them up.