We're Gonna Make It

When you’re pregnant your mind is full of worries. Will you carry full term? Will your baby have eyes that match yours or will they have their dads?  I have blocked out most of my first pregnancy because it was traumatic in so many ways. Besides the shame of walking into the store and others looking down on you, there were other stressors.  I struggled daily with anxiety and depression. I had for years, but this was something different. Now my anxiety and depression would affect someone else too.  The day I found out I was pregnant I cried and cried. I didn’t know what to think and chose to avoid the idea for a few more weeks. I was lucky - minimal morning sickness and no belly. I kept the secret hidden from my mom ( or so I thought...she secretly suspected - HA!), my friends and cheer coach who is probably reading this right now.  But the moment I told my mom it all became real. I started to worry - first about typical things. What if I have a miscarriag...

 I just need to get to 8 weeks. That’s what I told myself when I found out I was pregnant this time around. I sat on the floor a sobbed. Out of fear and worry, but also out of gratefulness. I took a cheap pregnancy test every single day for months. Once I get to eight weeks I will feel better is what I told my self..  10 weeks rolls around and my doctor’s appointment comes. My doctor and I worried because we couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler. I waited there for 2 hours while we talked, searched for the heartbeat and finally used the portable ultrasound machine. The room was tense. We both felt it. On the ultrasound we could see my baby was doing barrel rolls in there. He wouldn't sit still long enough to grab a heart beat or measurement, but we could see his heart flickering.  Then 12 weeks rolls around. Our 12 week ultrasound was when we learned our baby had no heartbeat. We just have to make it through this ultrasound, then I’ll feel better. Our 12 week ultraso...

  Do you remember what your first purchase was for your little one? For Chloe, technically mine was a gift from her Nana. A cute, gender neutral outfit because we didn’t know if she was a boy or girl.  For this baby, the first purchase was a dreaded one. Baby stuff is cute, don’t get me wrong. Purchasing that first item is terrifying after a loss. Just the idea that you could purchase something that you could not use this time around too is difficult. My first purchase for our angel baby? Onesies that we used for our announcement to our parents. Will we use them for our rainbow? Maybe. Maybe not. I honestly couldn’t tell you. They're still up in the top of our spare closet. I couldn’t bring myself to look at all the cute onesies and nurseries until 15 weeks this time around. I didn’t make a single purchase until 15 weeks. We didn't make it past 12 weeks pregnant last time. I also bought some maternity clothes the first time around while Motherhood was going out of business. Th...